laughing over lobster

I will give my husband a lot of credit-- he is such a good sport.

tonight was date night, not because we have a particular weeknight set aside for this (yet), but because this was the first night in weeks that I was not a walking coma patient with a debilitating migraine or three children running around screaming and tearing up the living room. So, this seemed like the opportune night to have a quiet at-home date. And to top it off, there was an incredible and well timed sale on lobster at Kroger-- yes, I said lobster. So, of course, I could not help but channel my inner Julia Child, turning my kitchen into a delightful haven of melted buttery bliss, with a hint of pepper being baked over asparagus and a warm pasta salad with crispy bacon pieces. the only sound that filled the air was Bethel church bursting out worship from my laptop, and the vigorous laugh of my darling husband in the other room as he was online with a few friends. the laughter stopped as I announced proudly that our dinner was ready, and he came anxiously to the table, awaiting the masterpiece with a smile and an open mind.

I say open mind because this was admittedly Jimmy's first time ever trying lobster, and my first time ever making whole lobsters, as I'm primarily used to eating the tail. regardless, with no crab crackers, breaking into this delicious dinner was due to be a challenge. So, I did what any good wife would do..... I pulled out the cookbook and flipped open to the page that visually described the steps of cracking and cleaning a whole lobster.

I tried to show him that the easiest way to attack this was to start with the claws, clearly forgetting this he has greater strength than me, and as he attempted to separate the claws, he ripped it off the body. Considering the lobster was boiled, it was soaked in melted butter and garlic, and water that soaked from under the shell spilled out everywhere, making my husband yell "Oh my God! It's peeing on me!" I couldn't stop laughing as this continued through each part of the lobster, him asking about which parts were edible and why there was so much water, and how it looked alive (because the eyes were still attached). Eventually, he completed de-shelling the lobster, only to determine that it was an acquired taste and that he wanted pizza. ☺

none of this is meant to make fun of him, of course. I love my hubby to death, and he has taught me so many things about love and life in such a short time frame. it never ceases to amaze me how much faith he has in situations, no matter how dark they are or how difficult. sometimes it can be tough to crack through the shell and deal with the root of a problem, a memory, or circumstance. I think one of my biggest troubles is the need for things to be perfect. too often, I become overwhelmed by the expectations of the world, the "keeping up with the joneses" mentality that forces everyone into constantly working, not taking time to relax, renew, or refresh.

this past week forced me to slow down and think about the blessings in my life and how I have often overlooked them. Jimmy was working for a home/community center in which he was a direct support professional to adult disabled individuals. he worked third shift, and I basically never saw him, except to drive him to work, to make his lunch, or the occasional day off that he had to stay up 24 hours in order to stay on his third shift schedule. every day, I could see a bit more joy draining from his eyes, and I could tell that the lack of time together was beginning to hurt his spirit. we prayed over this constantly, obviously apart due to scheduling. but one thing was consistent- we prayed for a solution, that we could be together, that we could go to church together, as a family, that we could keep our priorities straight. and it wasn't long after that he left that position.... and in the same day, God granted me a job working with another special needs individual at a local school system.

it is so easy to get burned out when you are putting everything you have into someone else. it is easy because it takes more energy to give than to receive, regardless of what you are giving. in my case, using my strength to physically help a child out of a meltdown, or having to come up with motivating reasons to complete work at the desk within seconds to prevent a negative behavior-- these are the daily tasks that make my mind race. but every time I feel drained, there is a moment of clarity, when the child is able to complete a task independently or speaks in a full sentence, and it is like getting attached to an espresso machine through an IV. the energy is suddenly full and new, everything seems possible, and new goals are collaborated to make more progress.

nothing in my profession demands perfection. neither does my marriage. whether I am counting behaviors or laughing hysterically over streaming lobster juice, it is the moment when I realize that perfection isn't the goal. it never has been. Jesus knew this when he went to the cross-- if perfection was the goal, we wouldn't need him in the first place. the journey depends on us meeting people where they are and going forward. it is a lifelong journey.

how often can we look back on our lives and say hindsight is 20/20? thinking of things that we shouldn't have said, moments that we wish we could take back..... I know that ice cream without lactaid can make a mess of my stomach for days, but sometimes, it doesn't stop me from devouring a mug of mint chocolate chip ice cream. we indulge in these moments because we aren't perfect. we don't always think about the consequences or the future that can come out of our mistakes. but isn't it amazing that we have people in our lives who meet us where we are? even as my poor husband was sitting across from me at the table, munching on crunchy onion strips and waiting for his pizza to bake, he still held me hand and complimented me, telling me that I made an amazing dinner for date night, and how amazing I was. he thanked me for letting him game with his friends, and for taking care of him when his back hurts. he apologizes after we fight and I ask forgiveness when i'm wrong.
we aren't perfect. we will never be anything close to perfect. but just like a date night gone hysterical, we know where to meet each other in our flaws and laugh about them.

to anyone who reads this, whoever you are, I encourage you to adopt this outlook. it isn't important to find perfection in every circumstance, situation, person or relationship. what is vital is to be accepting, loving, patient with each other and to be open to growth. it can take some gut-wrenching moments to make you look in the mirror and realize that you aren't perfect, and openly admit where you went wrong in life. sometimes, it takes a bit of tearing through the hard walls we put up around ourselves to let people in, to see the damage, to love us anyway. it takes just as much effort to be that same person for others, especially if they have hurt you before. there is treasure in the trash and there is light in the darkness; there is always hope that things can get better, even if you can't see anything except brokenness. when things are unexpected, there is always something to be learned, a silver lining in the cloud.

and even if there is not, and it's just a bad day, there is always pizza.

becoming family

I am a native east coaster, enjoying the ocean waves from the beautiful shores of Watch Hill and walking around Westerly, Rhode Island, and of course, falling in love over and over again with the perfection and picturesque town of Mystic, CT. but there is something about living in Ohio this year, something that has changed. The last few months, there has been so much comradery surrounding the sports in the town of Cleveland, and with heads held high and eyes twinkling with joy, everyone has been sporting the colors, posting the highlights, and cheering the teams on to victory. it isn't so much about the Cavaliers or the Indians that has had me in awe, but moreso of the joining of the people of the city. Despite anything bleek that has come, the people rallied and stood tall as a team.

it didn't take me very long after meeting jimmy to know that he would be my teammate for life. there was something about his spirit as he chuckled at my chess attempts, and the gentleness of his teaching me how to make better and more offensive moves, the way he held my hand as if he would never let go, and the security of our very first hug that drew me to that conclusion. there wasn't flowers or candy or romance that Danielle Steele would write about, but there was absolutely a connection that could not be denied.

I remember the phone call, when he reached out to me in panic, telling me he was calling out of work to go see his dad in the hospital. he was terrified, having no idea what was wrong, and in the desperation of his voice, I knew I needed to be at his side. we had only been dating a few days when I showed up at the hospital with as much compassion and confidence as I could muster, witnessing the look of surprise in his eyes as I whispered to him "i would never let you go through this alone."

there was something about the way we began that showed us that love could be different than we had ever known. there was heavy metal blasting on a portable speaker as we hoisted my car, crawled underneath, and he showed me the anatomy of my car. it was in the way that I literally carried him on my back into the ER when he suffered a back injury from work, and I helped him get to every doctor's appointment, chiropractic adjustment, and how I was the medication monitor as I prayed and hoped for the best, watching him take his time to heal. it was being concerned about whether or not we had eaten, how we had slept, and praying together through the difficulties that demonstrated what a team can really look like-- quite literally looking at each other and saying "I have your back, you can depend on me" with every action we took. when he lost his job and lay on my couch, depressed and questioning what to do next, it was our prayer and dedication to God that kept us strong and united; we praised together in the tough stuff, and we praised when he was rewarded for diligence and got a new job, and began to walk again with less pain.

while all of this was truly amazing, humbling, and more real than anything I have ever felt in my life, we couldn't help but look at the calendar and know that over a month had gone by, and there had not been a night that we had not spent together in the same house. Some of those nights, we fell asleep on the couch watching silly movies, and other nights, he walked me to my room, tucked me in, prayed over me, and then returned to the couch himself. there was respect and honor, but there was still conviction to both of us. With our faith as strong as it is, we knew that living together was not how we wanted to begin out lives, especially at this stage of the game. and the night came that we discussed our future..... the same night that we got engaged.

we decided that we wanted to get married right away. for starters, we could not contain our joy for finding each other when we had both reached a point that we weren't sure love would exist for us. that, and quite honestly, neither one of us wanted jimmy to leave.... and neither did my kids. we had grown into a routine, one that consisted of playing together at the park or chasing mikey around the house to get back jimmy's hat, all the while mikey was squealing in delight; we alternated the time with the car so we could each get to work, we alternated the bedroom as he returned to third shift work, and with such comfort having each other so close, neither one of us wanted to return to a life without each other. we prayed again, and when we were in agreement, we talked to my parents, getting my father's blessing and best wishes from both of them, and we set the date to have a small intimate ceremony with a few friends, with the intention of having a big celebration on our one year anniversary.

the drive to the bridge was the absolute longest drive of my life, which is saying something as I have driven 12-15 hours to see family on both ends of the country. yet sitting with him in the car, holding my hand and listening to music as his hand shook and he counted the minutes, appeared to be completely agonizing. I joked about how I was going to give him wool socks so he wouldn't get cold feet, and he laughed and said that he wasn't going to walk away. he squeezed my hand and smiled, then said, "I just can't believe I get to marry you... today."

it was November 4th, 11:30 in the morning, we drove out to a historical covered bridge in Fremont that resembled a restored farmhouse just above a small creek. it was surrounded with so many trees that it felt like we were wrapped up in swirls of electric orange and fire engine red, with a brisk breeze and the sound of bubbling water beneath our feet. we chose the bridge for the location, specifically, because something about it spoke to me. and as we held hands and exchanged our vows, with a shaky voice and tears in my eyes, I began to explain why...

             "It is no mistake that we are here today. Just as I believe that God chose us for each other, I believe this place was destined to be part of our journey. It speaks about us as much as it fortells the challenges we will face.
             This bridge-- it is country, a reminder of natural beauty and simple joys. This is you- when I am off my rocker or just "off of coffee", your incredible laugh and sense of humor reminds me not to sweat the small stuff and to enjoy life's little moments that are far too fleeting.
             This bridge- it demonstrates connection. It is connection to each other and our dependence on God that will push us forward in difficult times and praising together in the good times.
             This bridge- it has history, meaning that the foundation is strong and protected. I believe that as we honor the foundation of truth and love and protect our marriage from drama and deceipt, we, like this bridge, will stand strong.
             Now, I know that promises are like pie crusts-- easily made, and easily broken-- vows are for God, and we will never be perfect. But, here are some truths I can offer you. As confidently as I offer you my heart and hand today: I will make mistakes, and I will fall short.... shorter than I physically am....(snicker), and in that, I will spend each day reminding myself that you will do the same, that we can extend grace, and that I will continue to grow and maturity and humility.
            I will have moments of weakness, moments when I don't feel good enough, or as though everything I touch turns to ash. And in that, I will seek God's face, as He can turn ashes into beauty and His grace is made sufficient in our weakness.
           There will be days that we have to work to like each other, and days we joke about "divorce court on Monday". But this is one promise that I can make:
           False promises of love will not sway me, and pursuit in my direction from others will be met with firm resistance. I promise not to get stuck in ideologies such as telling you that you complete me, because you don't. I am complete only in Christ; and just as our Father never leaves us, I will never leave nor forsake you.
           For everything else, I'll keep it simple.
           I'll let my yes be yes, my no be no, and my I do be my I do.
           I say yes to forever with you, a life of dedication and encouragement, prayer and growth, and always forgiveness. I do not give up, and I do give to you this heart for safekeeping, this hand so we stay side by side, and all the peace I can.
           May these words always bring you comfort and love, as I speak them to you and to God.
           It is no mistake that we are here today.... because this is where our forever begins."

living here has changed me this year. I suddenly have more appreciation for the small things, the little subtle beauties that lie in front of me that typically go unnoticed, the moments that would pass me by, and the simplicities of living a life of faith. I am blessed beyond blessed to have found a teammate to walk this life with me, reminding me to stop and smell the flowers, who has demonstrated that he will be soft and allow me to be strong, and be my strength when I am falling apart. this walk together, each moment, is a blessing. to quote Shauna Niequist, my favorite author from my very favorite book:
  
        "That's how families get made. Not by ceremonies or certificates, and not by parties and celebrations. Family gets made when you decide to hold hands and sit shoulder to shoulder when it seems like the sky is falling. Family gets made when the world becomes strange and disorienting and the only face you recognize is his."

November 4th, I became his wife. but everyday for the rest of our lives, we will become family.