this morning was the first of many that begins very early-- before the sun, before the children, before i'm ready to come out of the hibernation I created in my blankets kind of early. most definitely a before coffee early. possibly even before I have an appetite for coffee kind of early. i'm not sure why this morning had any particular significance to me, aside from how early I was pulled out of my happy dreams, but for some reason, it struck me as different. mikey was on spring break last week, so if there was ANY morning that should have had me questioning the difference of a particular Monday, that should have been it. maybe the temperature this morning set me off, but regardless of what it was that made me notice today was different, I noticed.
I noticed because I was anxious to give my husband that extra close hug this morning when he woke to his alarm, take in that last breath of night and just enjoy my head on his chest and his arm around me, feeling the world is perfect. I noticed because I took a bigger joy in creating a special breakfast for the kids this morning, and surprisingly took no offense when none of them were partaking in the blueberry bagel-- apparently I missed the part where none of them actually enjoy blueberries. I noticed as they were singing to each other, laughing, and enjoying their fellowship time over scrambled eggs with cheese and some fruit and a short glass of either milk or water. and a wave of sadness fell over me.
it is virtually shameful for any mother to admit that she has been busy-- too busy to read that chapter book at bedtime, too busy to piece together a costume for 50's Day of spirit week at the elementary school; too busy for bending down to give a big hug when I am typing a paper or attempting to vacuum the house, or do the dishes, or taking a moment to recover and breathe through the MMA sucker punches their newest little brother is giving my diaphragm from inside the womb. I am a very organized person-- at least, I am on the inside. it is getting that organization to the rest of the house and having the inability to do it on some days that completely drives me crazy. I like papers and bottles and post-its and markers, shoes and coats and accessories to all have a place-- and keys. WHY can I never find my keys?! but all of this-- the housework, the classes for grad school, the days that I spend primarily in the kitchen doing frozen meal prep, or out in the community doing 5 loads of laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills, and taking care of other errands that I would love to avoid-- it has kept me busy.
but this morning, she was watching strawberry shortcake in my lap, and her belly laugh made me laugh. her eyes were all lit up as she watched her favorite character dance, and she jumped off the couch to twirl around and imitate the grace and beauty she saw in each and every movement... and it made me want to cry at the captivating beauty of my youngest girl. it hit me harder when she gave me a pretty please when she asked me for a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich for lunch, so hard in fact that when she was finished, I offered her a cherry pineapple popsicle, just to watch her jaw hit the floor and to get that extra adorable squeezy hug she gives, with her foot up in a modern attitude, like she was going to jump on me, but settled to look like a ballerina instead.
and even now, as she is playing with her barbies in the toy room, and I can hear her voice speaking the different characters and I see her imagination come out in conversation... all I can think about it how much i'm going to miss her. My baby girl, my little Analeigh, my brunette and my brown eyed girl.... I missed out o so much of her special moments. I had no choice but to return to work when she was barely a month old; it tore my heart out to head out to work and watch my infant daughter in the arms of a friend or another sitter as I drove away... and now, almost 5 years later, i'm preparing for the moment that my bebelita is going to be walking into the double doors of school, skipping her way into a kindergarten classroom and lighting up the rest of the world with her Broadway personality.
I saw a post on facebook this morning, asking a red or blue pill question-- either choose to be 25 years younger and get a complete do-over, or be 5 years older and get $20 million dollars tax free. and the truth of the matter is I could choose neither. I wouldn't give up a moment with my kids, watching them grow up; having days where I want to pull my own hair out are still moments that I do not want to forget, because it is the tough moments that are the glue between the happy photos in our photo albums. but I could not go back and have a chance to do it all over because there is no guarantee that I would ever end up with the same amazing children again, the ones who challenge me to grow and fight and pray and learn and take the energy out of me only to blast it back to me with little giggles and pig piles and at home movie nights snuggled on the couch with way too much popcorn. and to choose the other-- to be 5 years older and gain all that money-- not on your life! it kills me to see my baby girl getting ready to grace the halls of kindergarten-- to wake up one day and see her in 4th or 5th grade?? that kind of time is not worth all the money in the world.
I don't speak for all moms-- heck, I can't speak for any but me. but I do know that time is a gift. I don't have much time left before another baby blesses my home, and the sleepless nights and diaper changes and breast-or-bottle dilemma begins all over again and keeps me up at night, both to nurture my infant, and to sacrifice sleep just to watch him breathe. each and every day that I have been a mom, I have felt like God chose me for my kids. there are days I have asked God WHY he trusts me with so much (as some days are completely overwhelming)-- insert laugh here-- but each moment that I am blessed to hold them in my arms and read with them, snuggle with them, kiss their boo-boos, take them to church, eat sweets with them, drive them to the park and chase them around.... these moments are far too fleeting, and there are far too many that have been missed. I can't speak for everyone, but I can say that the choice between more money and my family is not something to choose.
I wish I could be home with my kids every single day, and have enough of an income to be blessed to do it. I wish there wasn't a complication between their dad and me (not my husband Jimmy), and that more time didn't have to be sacrificed between households. I wish I had the ability to cherish every single moment, without missing a single missing tooth, Christmas present, tummy bug, painted toe nails, giggle, soccer game, or even the dirty looks when they don't get their way. I have missed too much, and if there was a choice for anything, it would be to cherish what God has blessed me with, and never miss another moment.
that being said, my itty bitty pretty one and I are going to take our Monday siesta. THAT is definitely something I will miss!
